BLAMELESS

 We were sitting in a cafe and just to our adjacent table I could spot a family i.e. father , mother and their kid . Out of uncontrollable emotions I cried out with flooding tears . I don't know what happened at that instance but it was heart touching moment to see the mother feeding her 6 years old kid . Yes , I missed my mother at that time . Sheela was very confused with my kind of behaviour as she had not seen me crying ever since we were together . We met in our office and soon were going to get tied up forever , as she was the only one for me in the world . In order to control my emotions Sheela asked , " Sarang , What is the thing ? Why are you crying ? " . No sooner I spotted a toy gun in the kid's hand on the next table . He pointed the gun at his mother's chest and shouted , "Dishkyaun !". I could not control myself and I went to their table and yelled at the kid for doing something which I felt was wrong . Though it was a mere fun act for the parents of the kid and they asked me to mind my own business . That was quite insulting for me and hence we left the cafe . We went to park nearby , occupied a bench there and got some peanuts from a vendor there . We both silently munched peanuts , no one was speaking . After a long stretch , Sheela took the initiative . She comes again as , " Are you fine Sarang ? What was wrong ? You're a gentleman , I had never seen you crying before !" . I told her that being a gentleman doesn't mean we don't have emotional spots in our life . Sheela came again calmly  , " Emotional ? And what about that you yelled at the kid ?" I replied her with a lot of courage as I didn't want to lose her just because of my gone past . Then too I started , "  You are sitting with a criminal Sheela ! " Sheela was very astound to hear that , " Criminal ? Who Criminal ? You ? No way ! " . " Yes Sheela , everyone has a past , I also have . You asked a several times , why was i alone in this worls , though not orphan . The answer to this is also my past . I was the first child to my parents . My father died just 3 days later I was born . My mother was in a severe shock during that time . She didn't even care for me as she was through a critical mental condition . So I was taken by my granny to my maternal uncle's place in Karwar . My maternal aunt and granny was loving and caring to me . But my maternal uncle was very cruel at me as he considered me as the reason of death of my father . Bloody Orthodox mentality of his made me an unlucky kid . This story was told to me by him when I was just four and just started understanding things . This har caused a very bad impact on my young mind. Firstly I didn't  get my mother's love and secondly I was fed up of silly taunts by my maternal uncle . He pretended that he took care of me but when there was no one around , he used to fill my ears with a lot of toxic things . He used to take me to his fields and tell me to work along with him . My maternal aunt and granny didn't know about this and I didn't even tell this to them . As I started growing up and I was sent to school I started exploring rest of the world . Even after returning from school I had to work with him in fields . I was not even sent again to my mom as she was still suffering from various mental and physical diseases . My uncle was fond of hunting and used to go for hunting into forests . He used to hunt rabbits , wild cows and many other animals .After he used to hunt , my job was to unload his gun and put back to its place . 

One fine day , my mother came there to my maternal uncle's place to get me back after she had got well from her ailments . We had decided to stay there for another month or two and then we were supposed to go back to our own place .  Meanwhile I could hear my uncle and aunt talking about us being there . Though my aunt was kind enough , she didn't want my mother to stay there for another month , due to her own personal reasons may be . My uncle was also of the same opinion but his perspective was different . My uncle talked hatred about her and declared her as a unlucky creature . I don't know about my aunt , as she wasn't so close to my mother but my uncle ? Wasn't he the real brother of my mother ? How can he think such things about his own sister . I had heard from my mother that she used to take care of him when my granny used to be there on the field for work . She used to cook food for him , take his lessons and did all other stuff . Was this the repayment he was doing ? I really felt bad for my mother . Could you imagine such a mental stree over just a seven years old kid ; childhood totally destroyed ! The very next day , when my uncle and I went onto the field for work , I did a small mistake due to half knowledge of the work assigned . But that was a trigger point for my uncle . He blabbered whatever came to his mind , abused me and my mother and called me a slave . This was very intolerable for me as the previous all things were loaded already and my agitation had reached the peak point by then . I didn't even think once ; I took of the gun , loaded it and shot him . Within no time , he fell there with his face down and I just started shivering and sweating . No one can even imagine that a seven year old kid could kill a man of 30s . So as to  get rid of the sin , I ran in the woods out of fear .I ran , ran and just ran ; no desired destination , no knowledge about the place but I could just see my dear uncle before me . I ran and ran through the woods , fields and roads . I started at around 10 in the morning and reached at a chaiwala on the Goa highway at 9 in the night. That chaiwala offered me some tea and biscuits as his heart ached when he saw me taking deep breaths . I slept that night there itself . Next morning I took a shelter under a tree just behind the tea shop . The chaiwala asked about me to many people but I had hidden from him . I ate fruits for next whole day . While the chaiwala was closing his shop , he saw me beneath the tree at the backyard of his shop . He asked about me and from where I belong to.  I could definitely not collect courage to speak the truth . I told him that I was an orphan and needed a home. He soon called the Goa City NGO and handed me to them . The NGO placed me in there orphanage  in the same city . There were a lot of kids of my age who were deprived of their parents' love . I wasn't one of them but then I had to pretend so , so as to lead my life . No one cared there to ask about my background . They fed me , took care of me , educated me and made me stable in my life just as they did for everyone else . Today I am an automobile engineer and all its credits go to the orphanage . No one of my family members or may be even police could find me . They may have lost hopes of me being alive . But somewhere in my mind had guilt for the act that I did . I didn't feel bad because I killed that brute , but I feel bad because I spoilt my aunt's life who always did good for me. She wasn't so educated and was totally dependent on my uncle and I just wonder what she must have faced . After I ran , I never tried to contact back there , neither to my mother nor my aunt. But today , I desperately wish to apologize my aunt for spoiling her life and also somewhere in my mind I want to meet my mother as I only met her properly for 5 days in my whole life , 3 days after I was born when I didn't even understand anything and 2 when she came to take me back . Practically it was only 2 days . But I am really worried and feared about the consequences when I go there to meet them . "On the whole story Sheela reverted calmly as , " Sarang , I had learnt political science in my college , also as per my knowledge , any crime committed when you were below 18 years of your age , no more stays as a crime once you cross 18 . So I suggest you to go back and firstly apologize your aunt and then meet your mother without any guilt . This will free you from the guilt which is destroying you brains and may be you can get your family back and you no more remain orphan . Yes ! But promise me that you won't forget me once you get your family back (laughs)" . Both of us laughed and I seriously took a decision to go back to my aunt and my mother . 

The very next day I left for Karwar to first ask for apology to my aunt that I killed her husband and spoilt her life . After that I would go to my village to meet my mother . I reached Karwar , went to my maternal house . My aunt didn't recognise me as around 20 years had passed and I  was now a grown up man . I told her about myself and asked for apology. As soon as she realised that it was me , she hugged me out of cries as she was very attached to me as I had spent my childhood over there . I was stunned when she told me the truth . She said , " Sarang , it was not you who killed your uncle . He had an extra marital affair with the land lady of our village , Sumitra Patil if you can recollect . He and taken hefty amount of money from her against his love . He then confessed her that he wanted to get free from the relationship . Sumitra was a slut , god knows how many more affairs she was having . After ending the relationship , she asked your uncle to return all the money she gave him . Your uncle needed time to pay back all but , she didn't wait . She fetched an opportunity and shot his back . It was just a coincidence that you also shot him at the same time . But the bullet you shot was meant for hunting which didn't actually kill animals but only made them unconscious . You were not the murderer , it was Sumitra and the sins by your uncle . We all doubted you at the start as some villagers could see you running through the woods . Then as the case advanced Sumitra was found as culprit . We searched for you later but we lost hopes that you still were alive . Don't feel guilty . " I had collapsed listening to all this and out of shock I stammered , " mmmmmMother ? " . With a huge cry , she shouted , " No Sarang No ! She waited for you for an whole year . You were the only hope for her to live . Everyone assumed that you were no more and she gave up her life". This was another mental shock to me . But without speaking even a single word , I picked my bags and turned back to my workplace . My aunt tried to stop me but I was broken and could afford to wait there to get more traumatism . I returned back , told Sheela about the happenings and decided to never look back again . As I was out of guilt , I decided to forget everything and start my revived life with Sheela .